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Archive for the ‘My Life’ Category

The Drunken Leprechaun

Several years ago I threw a St. Patrick’s Day themed birthday party for my (now ex) wife. Being that this was Brandee’s 30th birthday and things were getting a bit rocky marriage-wise, I pulled out all of the stops to make a good impression. ( I didn’t really expect that hosting a party would heal all wounds, but at least I could get drunk – and being inebriated helps any situation, right? ) Friends came in from out of town and state, the house was festooned in green and gold, and my friend Ann wandered about reciting Irish sayings in a very authentic sounding Irish brogue. There was even a chocolate fountain for Pete’s sake!

 

My favorite bit for the party was the drink menu. I crafted a menu full of yummy drinks with interesting little sayings, then printed it out and stuck it on the bar. Even got an authentic “Drunken Leprechaun” to pose for the cover (see below). It was a hit with the guests. The experience of having my mother-in-law asking me for “Sex on the Beach” is not one I will soon forget.

 

In honor of the weekend, I present the menu from the Drunken Leprechaun. It’s not guaranteed to save your relationship, but it will bring a blush to your cheeks and a smile to your face.

 

Drink menu from “The Drunken Leprechaun”.

 

The resemblance between the "Drunken Leprechaun" and Ross Perot is uncanny!

The resemblance between the "Drunken Leprechaun" and Ross Perot is uncanny!

Banana Balm: “Soothes even the Angriest Leprechaun”

Vodka base with Banana liqueur, ginger ale and a splash of lime.

IRA Bomb: “ Even Lord Mountbatten ordered this….once

Irish Crème and Irish whiskey, over Ice.

Irish Highball: “The annual High Ball is the height of the Leprechaun social season. Some think their Balls should be held every night.”

Irish whiskey and ginger ale, over Ice.

Irish Kiss: “ You haven’t lived until you’ve heard “Detroit Rock City” on the harp and pipe.”

Irish whiskey, Peach schnapps, OJ and a large chug of ginger ale, over Ice.

Irish Spring: “ This tastes nothing like soap.”

Peach schnapps, Irish whiskey, OJ, Sour Mix, over ice. Garnished with a cherry and orange.

Kamikaze: “Drink too many of these and you’ll be yelling  “Tora, Tora, Tora” from the rooftop.”

Triple sec (orange liqueur), Vodka and lime juice, over Ice.

Orgasm: “Would you like to see my “O” face?”

Irish Cream and Peppermint schnapps. Very sweet drink.

Purple Passion: “Little known fact: Purple Passion is the name of Strawberry Shortcake’s cat.”

Grape juice, Vodka and ginger ale, over Ice.

Scotch, Single Malt: “Straight from the Good Lord’s very own still.”

Scotch. On the rocks or not. Your call.

Sex on the Beach: “ Drink good. Sand Bad.”

 Vodka, Peach schnapps,  OJ and cranberry juice, over Ice,.

ST Patrick’s Green Cocktail: “ Great for quenching the thirst at the end of a long snake wrangling job.”

Melon liqueur, Sour mix and Sprite, over Ice.

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09/05/08

09/05/08

Corners turned, wheels moving, back on track.

Across the Universe.

There and Back Again.

First Star to the right.

Last Rest Stop for 24 miles.

Course certain. Destination Unknown.

Today feels Significant, but I am not sure why. I think it is one of those things that can only be informed by hindsight.

Check back later, there may be Answers.

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…if not, why would they piss on my tree?

Alex came over last night to help decorate the house for Christmas. Before long the banister was festooned with gold garland and jingle bells, the Happy Holiday mat laid out to greet visitors with good tidings and the Nutcracker soldiers set in their silent vigil over my holiday room.

Next we removed the tree from the box. It smelled a little musty so we hurriedly set it up to air out. Bad idea. The sulfuric stench of cat urine billowed from the plastic boughs of Wal-Mart’s finest pre-light artificial tree. Seriously. Billowed. As in poured forth like a gust of toxic wind. I saw the cats flee, Alex fall over as if stuck with a taser and the Nutcrackers put their gas masks on.

Fortunately, I was upwind of the odiferous blast and managed to pull the “Pissmas” tree out to the front porch. After a phone call to Chris and a trip to the store, I was spraying my tree down with a vinegar, water and Febreeze concoction. That seemed to help a little bit but honestly it could just be that the cold night air masked the smell.

So, now my tree is out on the porch. My original intent was to leave it to air out for a couple of days, now I kind of like it there. It does look a bit redneck trailer-parkish but it also seems to sum up my year – still standing, just a bit pissed on. (Did that sound bitter? ).

The cats seem to like the tree on the porch as well. They sit on the heater and paw at it through the window. Every so often one of the cats will meow/growl at the stinky fake Fir as if to remind the tree what will happen if it ever enters the house again.

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Weighty Issues: Week 3

I didn’t feel like doing much this past week, so I didn’t work out other than household and yard chores. However, I did watch my diet so I was able to maintain 299.

I started more cardio tonight, with double reps of calisthenics and stationary bike. I feel fine but the bike is groaning a bit. A pedal broke off in the middle of the workout. It’s semi-fixed for now, but my patch job is not going to last for long. I will have to find some pennies to save for a new bike or treadmill. Jumping jacks and sit-ups are not going to be enough to cut the weight; I need the aid of some equipment. (Yep, that was a slow pitch. Take your best shot ).

Gordon

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Weighty Issues: Week 2

The first week of exercise wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

The very first session was a shock to my dormant fat cells and sedentary back muscles. Sit-ups were a killer. After 10 minutes on the exercise bike I was sweating like a pig at a meat processing plant. (Yes, I know pigs don’t sweat. Just roll with the metaphor.)

According to my work out schedule I was supposed to workout the next day as well, but there was no way my body was going to cooperate. After a brief discussion we decided to alter the schedule to work out every other day.

Ah. Much better. A wise man once told me a day of rest is a good thing. I agree.

By the end of the week I had lost four lbs. I thought I could lose five, but I am taking things a bit easy to get my body used to regular exercise. At this rate I should lose 16 – 20 lbs by the end of November. Cool Beans.

Weight: 299 lbs.
FPG: 53 in. (Three inches in a week is a lot, so this could just be the result of a bad measurement.)
Waist: 50 in.
AA: 52 (Again, could be the result of a bad measurement.)
Mid-Thigh: 29 in.
Chest: 49 in.

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Weighty Issues: Week 1

I started my quest to lose 83 lbs and get down to my goal weight of 220 lbs? Why 220? That was my weight 10 years ago when I was fit and trim. I can hold that weight with exercise and still be able to eat like a normal (sensible) person. Maybe I will go a little bit lower if I can trade fat for muscle.

My first workout wasn’t too bad. Light stretching, 20 scissor-leg lifts per leg, 20 sit-ups, ten minutes on the stationary bike with arm exerciser and then repeat in reverse order. Short breaks with sips of water between each set. I finished the whole set in just under an hour.

My current work out plan consists of the above set two days on and one day off. On the day off I will do some other sort of light exercise. I will only weigh in on Sunday night so I don’t stress about seeing progress every day.

Like I said, my goal is to lose 83 lbs. I have always been able to lose weight fairly quickly once I set my mind to it. I fully expect to reach my goal weight by the end of March 08.

I compiled a list of stat before I began working out. These will be used to chart my progress and hopefully provide motivation as the numbers decrease. Please note that I have very little idea how to actually measure myself in the manner a tailor would, so I just made up some that are meaningful to me.

Weight: 303 lbs.
FPG (Fattest Part of the Gut): 56 in.
Waist: 51 in. (But my pant size is 42-44. What’s up with that?)
AA (Around the Ass): 55 in.
Mid-Thigh: 29 in.
Chest: 50 in.

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Weighty Issues

A couple of weeks ago I was pondering my impending single status and lamenting re-entry into the dating scene.

“I am overweight and dress like a under-achieving hobo.”

To which my best buddy Lon responded, “Gordy you can lose weight and Ann will dress you. Consider this: You have a good job, a nice house and all of your teeth. You are the King of Owosso!”

Hrmph. All Hail the King!

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Last time I saw Chuck I mentioned that now that I can/should/might re-enter the dating scene I need to lose some weight. Chuck kindly pointed out that I need to move from “I got me some” weight to “I need to get me some” weight.

I really wanted to argue the point just for the shear “crudeness” of the remark, but how can you find fault with an honest and funny comment?

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Ya. My weight issue has been weighing heavy on my mind. I am not sure what my current weight is, but I am betting it is near 300 which is way too damn fat. I need to get back down to 220. I can hold that.

So, soon, I will be blogging about my weight loss. Diet, workout regimen, state of mind – all of that info will be in the blog. I think documenting my struggle and completely exposing myself (I promise there will be no pictures) will keep me on task.

I have always been able to lose weight quickly when I set my mind to it. And my mind is set. I will begin in the next week or so, probably by Sunday night.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a cheeseburger and diet soda calling my name.

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