Archive for the ‘Story Time’ Category

…if not, why would they piss on my tree?

Alex came over last night to help decorate the house for Christmas. Before long the banister was festooned with gold garland and jingle bells, the Happy Holiday mat laid out to greet visitors with good tidings and the Nutcracker soldiers set in their silent vigil over my holiday room.

Next we removed the tree from the box. It smelled a little musty so we hurriedly set it up to air out. Bad idea. The sulfuric stench of cat urine billowed from the plastic boughs of Wal-Mart’s finest pre-light artificial tree. Seriously. Billowed. As in poured forth like a gust of toxic wind. I saw the cats flee, Alex fall over as if stuck with a taser and the Nutcrackers put their gas masks on.

Fortunately, I was upwind of the odiferous blast and managed to pull the “Pissmas” tree out to the front porch. After a phone call to Chris and a trip to the store, I was spraying my tree down with a vinegar, water and Febreeze concoction. That seemed to help a little bit but honestly it could just be that the cold night air masked the smell.

So, now my tree is out on the porch. My original intent was to leave it to air out for a couple of days, now I kind of like it there. It does look a bit redneck trailer-parkish but it also seems to sum up my year – still standing, just a bit pissed on. (Did that sound bitter? ).

The cats seem to like the tree on the porch as well. They sit on the heater and paw at it through the window. Every so often one of the cats will meow/growl at the stinky fake Fir as if to remind the tree what will happen if it ever enters the house again.


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Surprisingly Satisfied

Today I picked up Snicker’s bar for my post lunch snack. It was one of those variant or limited edition Snickers with Almonds. Ok fine. No big deal. Peanuts. Almonds. I like both and it’s covered in chocolaty-nougat goodness, so I am eatin’ it!

However the wrapper ad gave me pause. Big blue letters proclaimed that the candy bar was “Now More Satisfying!”. What the hell? More satisfying than what? Any other regular Snickers bar? Even the ginormus $1.50 size? How do you test for more than normal satisfaction? Are monkeys involved? How damn much satisfaction can you get from a candy bar? How much should you get? What does it say about a man who seeks out Almond Snickers for More Satisfaction?

All of the analytics were frying my brain cells, so I just decided to take a bite and find out.

Good. Damn Good. I ate the whole thing. And at the end of it all, much to may chagrin, I was Satisfied.

Damn. I wish I knew if they used monkeys.

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Our New Year’s Eve party was a smashing success! We had a lower than normal turnout but the people that did attend seemed to have a great time. It was one of those parties where we hit 11 (on a scale of 1-10) after midnight. Very fun.

Two things were particularly noteworthy for me.

The first is that Brandee and I cleaned the house before we went to bed. Back in the day we (not Brandee, but me and my buds) would drink until we passed out and hope to God we would wake with enough time to clean up before the parents arrived home. Now since I am technically the adult, rushing to clean the house before I get home just isn’t as much fun. Waking up to a dirty house also stinks.

The second was a drinking tale from my youth recounted by Lon. While the details of the story are humorous enough, what struck me as memorable was the fact that it happened over 20 years ago. I have a 20-year-old drinking story! Damn does that make me feel old.

Later you whipper-snappers!


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(An invite sent to a friend describing our New Year’s Eve party.)


Nothing huge going on.

Dinner and hors d’oeuvres at 6-ish, drinking to commence shortly there after. There will probably be a poker game, some xbox stuff, and other games as well. Oh, there will probably be some drinking during this time. After the games are done, we will talk and drink. After that we will may watch some movies, drink, talk, drink, attempt to play drinking Jenga, and then drink a bit. After everyone gets tired of that, we can schedule some organized drinking. Informal drinking will be available to those who don’t care or are unable to join the organized drink.

This should take us up to midnight, where we will ring in the New Year by having a group toast and grope. The rest of the night will be filled with unscheduled drinking. Further groping may ensue, but by this late drinking hour everyone should be certain they are groping an appropriate or at least willing person.

There will be beds available for anyone who wishes to crash at our place rather than the local PD.

Hope you can make it, but if not we will just have to fill your presence by talking about you – and not in an “Isn’t K sweet” sort of way. We may even drunk call in your name.



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My niece Amber was upset that her new hair cut wasn’t quite what she had hoped for. She wanted it cut like Racheal from Friends, but instead it looked more like a longish page boy.

Earlier in the day Amber called Brandee complaining about the new do and Brandee decided we needed to cheer her up.

We found Amber curled up in a ball on the couch, hiding her head behind her lounging son. She was snivel-crying and tried to blame the whole fiasco on her husband, Steve.

“He made me do it. He said I looked like a church lady and needed to get a haircut!”

I, being the naturally caring individual that I am, tried to comfort her.

“Honey, let me tell you something. Steve will probably kill me for revealing this Husband-secret but he probably does not care about your hairdo. The old one was just fine with him.”

“Really?”, she perked up, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Certainly”, I nodded sagely.

“When a husband tells his wife she needs a haircut, what he is really saying is, your boobs are too small and your butt is too big. Since I can’t do anything about either of them, please cut your hair.”


I am pretty sure I made Amber feel better.


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[Announcer voice] A long time ago, in the faraway galaxy of Ozmomo…..

Scene: A blue and green planet floating in space. As the camera zooms in we see that the planet is covered with luscious foliage and frolicking animals. Zooming even further, a warm and safe homestead is revealed. There is an orange and white Ronto in the yard, chewing the top off a tree. A young couple is sitting on the porch swing… swinging and talking.

Brandia: [snuggling up next to Gorton and cooing contentedly] The house looks nice. Even the permacrete you used to patch the hole Rocky made looks like it it fits.

Gorton: [gently kisses Brandia’s head] Ya. It does look good. But then again, everything has been pretty good lately. The hydrovaters are working fine, no issues with the landspeeder, our credit level is in the black – heck, old man Morely may even put me in charge of wamp rat collection!

Brandia: [cooing and snuggling again] I love you.

[The couple spend several minutes admiring the pink and red double sunset. Rocky lays on his back, legs splayed apart, sunning his belly.]

Brandia: [looking up tentatively at Gorton] You know what would make things even better? Droids! Just think about it, wouldn’t be nice to have some little droids running around?

Gorton: Droids are expensive, dear. And noisy. And they leak.

Brandia: [excitement creeps into her voice] We could get a used one. I am sure that there are many used droids that just need some minor maintenance and then they would be fine. You always said you would like to teach a droid pazzak.

Gorton: [hesitantly] Well…

Brandia: [pleading] Ah c’mon. Maybe just a protcol droid or an R2 unit. Yes! An R2 unit. He could help with the cooking and cleaning. I bet we could even program him to pick up Rocky’s piles!

[Rocky snorts indignantly]

Scene: Several weeks later, Brandia and Gorton are having a holo-conference with D’linda, the used Droid Vendor.

D’linda: [speaking in a nasally business tone] …passed all of the Droid maintenance classes with acceptable scores. Your social-biohistories are also excellent. The personal recommendation from Chancellor Lan Sulwood is exceedingly good and I see that your fees are up to date as well.

[Brandia and Gorton clasp hands smiling.]

D’linda: However, I have just received a holo-message from the Sith Witch. She claims you have abused droids in the past and are likely to do so again. I have sch….

Gorton: [interrupting] I have fought this Sith Witch before, and I can tell you she lies. She lies! She is a Sith Witch, a servant of the Darkside. How can you believe anything she says?

D’linda: [spoken in a flat, business-like tone] Yes, she is a Sith Witch. But never-the-less, as a responsible used Droid Vendor, I have to investigate all claims of Droid abuse. If I don’t I will have the Mechanical Organization’s Fraternal Order investigating this – and I don’t think either of us want to raise the ire of the MOFO’s.

D’linda [clearing her throat] Now then, I have scheduled an inquisition for…..

Scene: Quickly withdraw from homestead, planet, to the blackness of space.

[Announcer voice]
Will Gorton and Brandia be able to withstand the Inqusition?
Will D’linda see through the Sith Witch’s lies?
Will they all avoid the ire of the MOFO’s?
Will Gorton and Brandia get their Droids?
Will Rocky lay a pile bigger than a wamp rat den?

Stay tuned……..

Seriously, a funny post to cover a very unfunny topic. Sometimes a little humor helps.

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This weekend I learned a bit of history from my seven year old nephew, Triston.

“I don’t have any school on Monday.”

“You don’t? Why not?”

“It’s Arthur Luther King day.”

“Hmmm?!? So you get the day off?”

“Yep. He died.”

“That’s to bad. What else did he do?”

“He gave a speech, rode on a bus, then he died. He was as old as you are.”

“Yikes! Did he do anything else?”

Yes, there was much more but I stopped the lesson sometime after Arthur discovered America.

I learned a lot from Triston. Looks like I should have paid more attention in school.

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