Weighty Issues: Week 3

I didn’t feel like doing much this past week, so I didn’t work out other than household and yard chores. However, I did watch my diet so I was able to maintain 299.

I started more cardio tonight, with double reps of calisthenics and stationary bike. I feel fine but the bike is groaning a bit. A pedal broke off in the middle of the workout. It’s semi-fixed for now, but my patch job is not going to last for long. I will have to find some pennies to save for a new bike or treadmill. Jumping jacks and sit-ups are not going to be enough to cut the weight; I need the aid of some equipment. (Yep, that was a slow pitch. Take your best shot ).



Weighty Issues: Week 2

The first week of exercise wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

The very first session was a shock to my dormant fat cells and sedentary back muscles. Sit-ups were a killer. After 10 minutes on the exercise bike I was sweating like a pig at a meat processing plant. (Yes, I know pigs don’t sweat. Just roll with the metaphor.)

According to my work out schedule I was supposed to workout the next day as well, but there was no way my body was going to cooperate. After a brief discussion we decided to alter the schedule to work out every other day.

Ah. Much better. A wise man once told me a day of rest is a good thing. I agree.

By the end of the week I had lost four lbs. I thought I could lose five, but I am taking things a bit easy to get my body used to regular exercise. At this rate I should lose 16 – 20 lbs by the end of November. Cool Beans.

Weight: 299 lbs.
FPG: 53 in. (Three inches in a week is a lot, so this could just be the result of a bad measurement.)
Waist: 50 in.
AA: 52 (Again, could be the result of a bad measurement.)
Mid-Thigh: 29 in.
Chest: 49 in.

Weighty Issues: Week 1

I started my quest to lose 83 lbs and get down to my goal weight of 220 lbs? Why 220? That was my weight 10 years ago when I was fit and trim. I can hold that weight with exercise and still be able to eat like a normal (sensible) person. Maybe I will go a little bit lower if I can trade fat for muscle.

My first workout wasn’t too bad. Light stretching, 20 scissor-leg lifts per leg, 20 sit-ups, ten minutes on the stationary bike with arm exerciser and then repeat in reverse order. Short breaks with sips of water between each set. I finished the whole set in just under an hour.

My current work out plan consists of the above set two days on and one day off. On the day off I will do some other sort of light exercise. I will only weigh in on Sunday night so I don’t stress about seeing progress every day.

Like I said, my goal is to lose 83 lbs. I have always been able to lose weight fairly quickly once I set my mind to it. I fully expect to reach my goal weight by the end of March 08.

I compiled a list of stat before I began working out. These will be used to chart my progress and hopefully provide motivation as the numbers decrease. Please note that I have very little idea how to actually measure myself in the manner a tailor would, so I just made up some that are meaningful to me.

Weight: 303 lbs.
FPG (Fattest Part of the Gut): 56 in.
Waist: 51 in. (But my pant size is 42-44. What’s up with that?)
AA (Around the Ass): 55 in.
Mid-Thigh: 29 in.
Chest: 50 in.

Weighty Issues

A couple of weeks ago I was pondering my impending single status and lamenting re-entry into the dating scene.

“I am overweight and dress like a under-achieving hobo.”

To which my best buddy Lon responded, “Gordy you can lose weight and Ann will dress you. Consider this: You have a good job, a nice house and all of your teeth. You are the King of Owosso!”

Hrmph. All Hail the King!


Last time I saw Chuck I mentioned that now that I can/should/might re-enter the dating scene I need to lose some weight. Chuck kindly pointed out that I need to move from “I got me some” weight to “I need to get me some” weight.

I really wanted to argue the point just for the shear “crudeness” of the remark, but how can you find fault with an honest and funny comment?


Ya. My weight issue has been weighing heavy on my mind. I am not sure what my current weight is, but I am betting it is near 300 which is way too damn fat. I need to get back down to 220. I can hold that.

So, soon, I will be blogging about my weight loss. Diet, workout regimen, state of mind – all of that info will be in the blog. I think documenting my struggle and completely exposing myself (I promise there will be no pictures) will keep me on task.

I have always been able to lose weight quickly when I set my mind to it. And my mind is set. I will begin in the next week or so, probably by Sunday night.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a cheeseburger and diet soda calling my name.

Read the title. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk.

In the process of moving my parents from one rental home to another, I ran across this “ornament” in the garden (image to the left).

“Um Mom. What the hell is this?”

“It’s my lawn boy.”

“Yep. Got that. It’s painted black”.

“Ya, it’s my black lawn boy. I like it.”

“Ok, but it is painted black to look like a black person, probably a servant. It is not really very politically correct. Some people would be offended by it.”

“I keep it in the backyard.”

“Ok. Could we paint it green or something.”

“No. I always wanted a black one. Besides, I don’t mean it like that.”

And I am sure she doesn’t “mean it like that”. But at the same time…DAHM!

Next order of business –Fear the Gay Chicken. Turn the speakers up loud for this one.

Yes, I fully expect to go to Hell and be chained between an angry black lawn boy statuette and a chicken with a fondness for “bacock”.

Serves me right.


So, ya. I haven’t posted much lately. Inspiratation level has been zip due to my impending divorce. As weird as it is to write that down, it is even more odd to read it. I never thought I would be one of “those people” but here I am. Oh well.

Since I have had some time to think about my current marital state, I have discovered there are four distinct stages.

1. The Declaration – “I am leaving.” May be substituted with, “Get out”, “I don’t love you like that”, or “Screw you guys. I am outta here” (delivered in your best Cartman voice).

2. The Moving – Transfering your nice stuff to a Crappy Apartment. Substitute Married Buddy’s Couch or Drunk Brother’s Dog-Hair Covered Futon.

3. The Signing – Standing before the Powers That Be to declare your lack of love and then quantifying the value of said lost love. Warning! There is no way to get out of giving up your shit. The best play is to take some stuff your ex-spouse wants and trade it for the stuff she has that you want. Mutually assured destruction leads to detente.

4. The Final Decree – The end. Reboot. Start over. Thanks for playing. So long and thanks for all the fish.

I am currently at stage 2. I can generally deal with the situation – I don’t have any choice but to deal – but so far the crossing of each stage has made for a difficult couple of days.

I will be fine. It is just going to take a bit of time.

I Can Help With That

Today I was on a conference call with a customer who was having trouble with BJ’s warehouse data.

“Hi Gordon. I am having trouble with my BJ’s. Can you help me?”

::silence…then a chicken like cackle from one of the other techs in the conference call::


Sure, I can help you with that.